Thursday, December 3, 2009

New approach

I have been thinking about the blog lately, and I don't think I have been going at this quite right. I write posts, but I don't really include how Jose and I are doing, what we are feeling, or what we are learning from this unexpected experience. All I have included in the past is what we are doing- where we are, the plans our attorneys have, and basic facts. I think a lot more could come from this blog if I went a little deeper.

This all started when my aunt was looking at my university application last week. I had written a personal statement about my year as an AmeriCorps member and how that helped develop my passion for social welfare. She mentioned that these months I have spent in Mexico would make a really strong personal statement, and recommended that I try writing a new one with that topic. I sat down, totally ready to write the personal statement, and realized that I couldn't. I knew it would be a good statement and would make my application better. I could vaguely visualize the statement and the message that I would include. But, still, I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted to and as hard as I tried, I wasn't capable of getting myself to open up. I am just going through this, without thinking about it or really letting it soak in. I am just trying to breeze through with as little damage as possible.

Eventually I gave up, and called my aunt to admit defeat. She said she wasn't surprised that I couldn't do it and said that it was fine. I submitted my application with the original statement, and almost no mention of being in Mexico. I don't know what that means for my application to one of the most impacted majors on the campus, but it was all I was able to do.

Feeling weak and confused, I spent the next few days thinking. Is it healthy for me to not think about where I am? While it feels like the easiest solution, it seems like a risky solution. A temporary solution that will blow up at any time. I need to understand how I am feeling, where I am, and what my future looks like. Without realizing, I turned my brain off to get through this with less pain. It has kept me from crying, but it has also kept me from starting a life. I set myself up to live these three years in a coma, and reemerge when they were over.

Much of me is still closed off, but at least I realize what is happening. At least now I know what I was doing to myself, before I lost time and happiness. I don't know how long it will be before I am honest and open with myself, but it is too important to give up on.

Hopefully, my efforts will show in the blog with greater insights into our new life as it turns into something with joy.


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